Vulnerability and Magic Pills for Paranoia
Vulnerable you say? I'm not afraid of this weak ass world anymore. This place has tried to kill me more times than I can count. Truth be told, one day it will succeed, but not before I dig out some of its nasty potholes and plant beautiful, power flowers in them. More truth be told, the antidote for paranoia just might be a dose of vulnerability and magic pills for paranoia are not made in a factory.
Paranoia. And overthinking. Yeah, overthinking, that should be included here. I probably won't say much about it, though, because I'll be too busy excusing paranoia.
Seems I've always been waiting for someone to come along and tell me I can't do that. Truth be told, like any other barking dog, if you just let it bark and don't give it reason to chase, it will go away. But, sometimes I get my stick out, and, well, you know, you're a grown adult, you can figure out what happens next.
One of my adversarial nemesiseses (or whatever the proper pronuncive plural is) is paranoia, no diagnosis necessary. It is what it is and is no fool. It seems no matter what I do I am constantly barraged with the best and worst of a thing beyond normal analysis. Paranoia is a constant roller coaster for me. Sometimes its absent, other times it shows up whenever the hell it wants to. And when I am fully immersed in it, out comes a variety of other big, burly emotions and assumptions waving their banners and wielding their swords.
I understand a certain level of paranoia, like fear, may be a healthy characteristic of respect allowing one to ward off certain other attributes, such as cowardice, reservation and such. I guess it depends on strengths and weaknesses and strategies of its opponent. For me, however, paranoia, among everything else, reigns itself in abnormally, at like 10X, and then gets itself stuck up there over-idling (vrooMMMMM). Is it any wonder I can't win friends and influence people. Oh jeez, here it comes, another book for the dusty shelf.
What powers paranoia? What does its gymnasium look like and what machines and mechanisms does it like to exercise on? One particular machine is repetition of past, worst case scenarios that have produced fruit. For example, the other day, after sitting in my vehicle in severe freezing temperatures, after investing time and effort and money into having done everything I could to prepare, the air lines in the air system froze up and would not allow the air to build.
In that truck stop moment (of paranoia), that meant were weren't going anywhere for at least three days because the weather said so. And sitting in the middle of a truckstop parking lot next to the fuel island with other MadMax-style drivers and road warriors, experiencing similar cold weather issues, yelling and screaming, honking their threats and whatever else you can imagine, is just not a happy place to be.
I built that worse case scenario over the years and finally it came to fruition yeilding nasty, undelectable fruit. I felt like I was being tied down and forced to eat it. Yeah, yeah, I know, I created that. Never a dull moment in this brain.
Fortunately, immediately after my elementary outburst, a light bulb moment 💡 occurred. I moved the truck back and forth just once and immediately the frozen air brakes sealed their leak point(s) and the air rise to normal.
Don'tcha hate when that happens? The solution reveals itself immediately after the temper tantrum? I'm not running on about this.
How do I cope with paranoia? Well, overiding I suppose. Content continuity is a great example. Instead of stopping at a summary, I continue on to deeper details of a subject going farther and farther beyond what it necessary, eventually getting lost, confused or finding myself in a tree in a forest on a whole different island. And then, well, that defeated the "protective" purpose now didn't it. The continuing in depths is meant to be a protective crust to keep, in this case, paranoia from taking control.
When it comes to being vulnerable about my vulnerabilities, I am guarded and protective because I know Dr. Feelgood is gonna to come along with his or her magic pills and potions for sale? And then, when the spell wears off and a lighter pocket later, what the f*ck just happened, again, again, again? On that note, my skin has gotten thicker and no doctor likes an empty wallet. Great deterrent. I only have one cat and he doesn't live in my bag. Heck he ain't even mine.
Good day!
Ryan
Real writing! Thanks for being vulnerable! Your writing is inspiring.
Why thank you sweetheart. Seems like only you and Russians porn marketers are the only ones who leave any comments.